She offered to let me hear the baby's heart on the doppler but I said no - too much 'padding' would have meant I wouldn't have heard anything anyway, and that would freak me out more. This way I can believe my baby is good, and swimming around nicely and being all healthy and there's less worry than if I didn't hear a heartbeat. Plus, I've got a check-up in 3 weeks. The reason she offered was that I commented on how crazy this inbetween bit is. I only feel tired and a bit icky with food, but other than that I feel fine. My boobs are less sore (still a tad achey) and every once in a while I get this twinge (more like stab) of pain like I have a severe muscle spasm or something. That could be my coughing though (it's more and more painful coughing now, my stomach feels like it's going to fall out). But yeah, not really feeling that pregnant. So what do you do in the between time to stop yourself going mad? I can't wait to start feeling the baby and at least being a little more assured that it's moving around and stuff. I have NO idea if I'm showing or not coz I'm so chubby (I'm being nice to myself, chubby is an understatement) so I can't tell by any sticky outy uterus or anything. I dunno, it's all too hard. My doctor said that I would probably be a lot better if I didn't have the early pregnancy dramas. That this trimester would have passed without so much fretting. But I think she was glad I didn't jump for the doppler. I am a lot calmer now about the baby (now it's psycho emotional issues I have to deal with).

I think Nat's poopy with me coz I got a bit poopy with her. She shat me off on Wednesday night and I think she's cold shouldering me. Oh well, it's her life. She'll get over it. She shouldn't have been such a stupid shit to me, that's all.

I'm kinda not looking forward to this weekend anymore. We have to sleep on a sofa bed, a highly uncomfortable sofa bed. My hips have been aching non stop lately when I sit funny or lie down funny. I can't imagine the sofa bed being good.

The hospital scheduled my midwife appointment for the 25th August. They have this huge list of tests my doctor needs to have done to me before this appointment. I need an ultrasound, a bajillion blood tests, a pap smear, a wee test and a whole lot of other stuff. Not happy. I won't be tested for things like HIV and Hep C because I haven't had a blood transfusion nor do I take intravenous drugs, and I've only ever had one partner (and he's only ever had one partner) so our HIV chances are very low. She said that rather than spend a whole lot of money on blood tests, just spend it all on ultrasounds. I didn't say no. I'm pretty sure STD-wise I'm ok. Never been stabbed with used needles, never shared a tattoo needle (I saw my tattoo artist open the new needle pack when I got mine done, and she used new inks), I am such a boring woman.

I told the doctor today that if this baby doens't show me the goods that I was going to schedule another ultrasound. She then told me that they're never 100% either, and told me of 2 of her patients who were told the wrong sex. One was told she was having a girl and out popped a boy, and the other was told it was a boy and out came a girl (there was apparently a shadow on the ultrasound). She said we shouldn't go painting stuff :P Either way, I want to be told! I like blue anyway, so our little girl would be a blue little girl (cept then everyone would think it was a boy).

Jason and were talking baby needs last night. We have so much to plan for and so much to buy, it's going to drive me mad.

We'll tackle emptying the baby room soon (next week) so we can get quotes for carpets and hopefully get them all fitted. Then will come the baby buying.

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I try to rationalise how I feel, I try to pick myself up and get on with things. I try to figure out what it is about work that makes me feel the way I am.

And it is at work when I get my lowest. It's being stuck in a little square office for hours on end by myself that does nothing to help pick me up.

This morning I woke up sick again. I felt so ill to my stomach that I couldn't eat anything for breakfast. This afternoon I choked down half of a Vegemite roll before giving in and just leaving it. Drinking water has the same sick suspense that food has for me.

I know it's just the fact that I have to go to work that makes me so uneasy, I've gone through this before with the bug place. It's just that now I feel like I'm struggling under the responsibility rather than people just being shit to work with, the job being menial and general unhappiness in the work place. My stress here is all about me letting the company down.

I should try being more positive. The thing is, at night at home with only Jason around I very rarely feel so bad. I get lonely a lot (even when he's home and talking to me) and just want someone to talk to but I always feel that no one is around for me.

I pick fights a lot lately, with Jason, with my mum, with my sisters... they try to understand but I'm not the easiest person to be around lately.

I know undue stress isn't good for the baby, I don't need to be told that all of the time, but I also don't need to be yelled at when I really don't want mum to buy stuff for me or when she "butts in". I know her intentions are always good, and she's just looking after us (in her mind) but she doesn't understand that to me it's just not letting us do stuff on our own terms. That we want to be able to get the baby's furniture, a steriliser, anything really, on our own. She didn't see how futile it was that she should go look around at carpets (without us) to tell us what's available when we had already gone to 5 carpet shops and have now asked Helen and Ron to come with us (it's their house and I really don't want to be responsible for choosing a carpet they might not like). I know I should be grateful that mum wants to do things for us, she even yells at me when I complain that she gets us stuff, saying "So-and-so would never knock back gifts/food. Why do you have to be so difficult?". It's not me being difficult, it's me wanting to be at least a little bit independent. If we wanted food, we'd buy it. If we wanted to drive 20 minutes away to look at carpet (when there's 5 carpet stores within walking distance to our house) we'd go. It's not brain surgery.

God knows what we'll do when the baby is born.

I feel so very not pregnant lately. I wish I felt more, I dunno, special or something. I wish it was more visible already, I want a constant reminder. At the moment it's just me remembering that I'm doing something wonderful at the moment, and I have to talk about it because it really doesn't feel any different. Even the pain in my boobs has faded a bit. The food thing is the only thing that really tells me something is up. I'm never off my food. If it was just normal stress I'd eat more than usual. Now I feel gross thinking about even eating a slice of toast.

I keep expecting to wake up and this whole thing is a dream. Like my body has fooled me into thinking there's a baby when really there isn't. I know there is, I've seen it with my 2 eyes! I am just so happy.

I think this weekend will do me the world of good. I usually dread going to stay with the in-laws for a day but this time I keep counting down the hours. Just to get away from Perth for a bit. I might try working on Lisa about not being her bridesmaid still. She really should understand.

So many things to do, so little time. Next week we really should start emptying the junk room that will become the baby room. We can't even get in the door anymore. I know we have plenty of time, but to re-carpet the house it means that we have to then empty the room. Faaaar out.

What am I going to do?

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It's when I get this way that I start thinking about getting away from everyone and just disappearing. And I find it harder to go to work every morning and drive home at night. I just want to keep going in a straight line and not look back.

I have been very off food today, no breakfast and no lunch. Probably no dinner either. The thought of eating is making me really really sick.

I hate that my bosses here can just pop in without warning because I cry so much. I am not coping well at all.

I want to talk to someone, anyone but everyone's at work or living their own lives or doing their own thing.

This isn't good.

Not to mention the emotional crap I feel today either. I am constantly on the verge of tears. I think it might have something to do with me emailing Mat about our news and him not answering back yet. I want him to at least acknowledge the email I sent. That's all. But mostly, it's just that I plain feel lonely. I work by myself (since Tracy left) and mum and I aren't really getting along fantastically lately (she can't see how much she interferes, not helps but interferes, today it was about carpet) so that makes it so much harder. Jason seems a bit distant lately too (which is my fault) and I'm just tired of talking to Nat and only hearing her complain a whole lot. I don't know what I want, I just want this feeling to go away.

Ok, sobbing at work isn't good. I have to stop.

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I don't know what's wrong with me. We did the big tell and so everyone knows now. It's a bit strange.

Thursday night I felt a bit let down. Val was the last person I called (Ross was home, she wasn't and he made me call her on her mobile). I have a cold and sound a bit stuffy, she was in a shopping centre. She thought I was someone else. Her reaction was strange (coz this other person is pretty anti-children [over population etc]) and when she figured out it was me (I mentioned Jason because I knew she thought I was someone else) her reaction seemed a bit lack-lustre. Selfish, I know, but it made me pretty sad. She rang me Friday (or Saturday) to have a chat and congratulate us properly, but for most of Thursday night I felt a bit sad.

Yesterday Lisa came over for a visit and gave me our first baby present - little red canvas sneakers (for when the squeak is much bigger). They're incredibly cute. When I spoke to Lisa on Thursday night, she told me I still had to be her bridesmaid for her wedding in January - about a week before my due date. I have to talk her out of that idea, it's too risky for me and I know I won't be able to do much for her.

Tonight I feel sad again, but for what seems to be no reason. We went to Giovanna's for a visit (and a yummy afternoon tea - muffins, scones, cake, bikkies... was great). She gave me this HUGE bunch of flowers, and a gorgeous card and was over the moon for us. We stayed for a while and had a good catch-up (we've both been living like hermits for the past 6 weeks). I was elated for the rest of the afternoon. Now, I just feel so sad, like my heart will burst.

I want someone to chat to, someone to ICQ me or message me or phone me and congratulate us and be happy for us and to just want to chat. I feel so sad and lonely tonight. I look at my list of people 'online'. Half of them are away, the other half are already sick of me. It's just so hard. I want to talk to someone who isn't Jason. It's too late to start ringing people, it's too late to go for a visit anywhere. I want to do something, be somewhere.

Don't get me wrong, everyone we've told have been happy for us. Everyone. Well, there's this one couple who are pretty crappy but they're crappy to Brad and Nat too so it shouldn't bother me as much as it does. They have 2 kids and lord it over the four of us. Like it's something to be proud of. Both of their children were accidents (and they're proud of this, they exclaim it like it's something fantastic when neither of them have any money/job and apparently 'accidentally' getting pregnant is hillarious) - I have this pretty nasty theory about the 'why' of her getting pregnant and I honestly don't feel I'm far off. They also aren't married (because he doesn't want to make a committment to her [he has said that, I'm not theorising here] - like 2 children isn't commmittment?) and he's an arrogant prick. I ICQ'd her to tell her our news and his message back to me was "ah everyone will have babies! we can go on baby outings!". Not congratulations but everyone will have babies. It looks like a harmless enough message but it isn't. I know him, and I know what the message 'means'. It means "We have two children and you all are copying us". They haven't been to visit us in the 2 years we've been in this house. They haven't even been to visit Brad, Nat and Emily. We do all the visiting. Their excuse for us going to them has always been their kids. Now Brad and Nat have Emily their excuse is they have TWO kids. See, with two kids you can't go visit people. You mustn't leave your house. I am just angry at him.

Why isn't there anyone for me to talk to? All I want is someone to be happy for me and to tell me so. I am on the verge of tears and I can't shake this stupid feeling.